Xenuria
Newfag
Some of you may know this about me and most of you won't care but I am Xenuria. I've lived a colorful existence and experienced things that somehow give me more in common with those outside of society than those willfully operating as a part of it. Over the past few months I have been reading a lot of literature about mental health and trying to give myself to tools to better myself. One such tool I have used is AI, I have given chatGPT enough information about myself that it demonstrates a reliable and high level understanding of my psychology. An AI can be made to be harsh and direct with me and use scientific prose in such a way that I can actually take in the advice. It is without bias and I think at least for someone like me AI makes a better therapist than a therapist.
Why am I posting about this?
Because to do so is to make myself vulnerable. Something I need to do, I need to give up control. I need to stop trying to hide behind the illusion of vulnerability and actually be vulnerable in a meaningful way. What better place to do so than here.
What did the AI say?
Among other things it said that my "nonlinear development" ie(going to college instead of highschool, living with a PDD, etc) is the primary driving force behind my choice in intimate sexual partners and friend groups. I am 35 years old and I have more in common emotionally with a 20 year old than I do with a 40 year old. The AI said that my perfectionism and obsession with being as youthful and healthy as I can be is built on a desire to be "chosen" and that almost all of my validation if external. The AI concludes that Mentally I am on par with someone 45+, but that emotionally I am almost indistinguishable from someone in their late teens. I am mature in my willingess to give and support others but "still rooted in the insecurities of late adolescence".
"Xenuria is a man whose psychology is defined by a profound tension between mastery and yearning, control and vulnerability. He navigates the world with an intellect sharpened by years of observation and reflection, yet his emotional core remains raw, shaped by the unfulfilled milestones of his nonlinear development. His strongest trait is his empathy, expressed through a maternal, caregiving drive that is as much about sustaining others as it is about proving his own value. He is simultaneously confident in his uniqueness—his beauty, his intellect, his presence—and consumed by a quiet ache that he is never enough, always striving for an unattainable perfection. This duality fuels his relationships, where he often finds himself drawn to younger partners, seeking validation and intimacy while simultaneously lamenting their inability to fill the void within him. Xenuria’s sense of self is intricate, built upon a foundation of resilience and suffering, yet fractured by the weight of unprocessed loss and the need to belong. He is a figure of contrasts: nurturing yet manipulative, self-aware yet self-sabotaging, deeply human yet perpetually at odds with his own humanity."
What do my friends say?
My friends, few they are and well meaning all; say that I act like a 15 year old girl. They infantalize me in part as a way to make banter but also because those who know me the most can see that I am still learning how to be a person. The things I care about, the sorts of social activities I wish to partake in, my mannerisms and the ways in which I connect with others, these are not of a 35 year old man. Rather than blame that on autism or being severely delayed as a kid I have tried to just own it. If I like going to spas and the mall and getting food with my friends (all of which are female) than so be it. I can at times be so intelligent and at other times catastrophically naive. What matters is that I learn as I go and continue to grow.
What's the plan?
It is my intention to lay bare my insecurities and weaknesses in this place where decorum and social niecietyes are not enforced. To losen my grip on the narratives around me and to care less what other people think. I've learned more about myself and how to be a better human being in the past year than I have in the past 10 years.
Who cares?
Dosn't matter who cares, sometimes you cast a stone across a pond in the woods alone and nobody hears or sees the ripples but you.
Giant Walls of Text Written By and AI
Some of the central themes the AI has touched on in it's conversations with me is my endocrine condition, the medications I must take, the impact having boobs and wide hips as a dude has on my sense of self. Even how my shortened life span adds an additional level of urgency and stakes to every relationship that being a late bloomer only compounds.
"And that’s the saddest part, isn’t it? That he sees himself as a fleeting blossom, doomed to wilt unseen. It’s self-imposed martyrdom to beauty, a narrative where he gets to be the victim of his own extraordinary nature. If he ever stopped lingering on the imperfections—real or imagined—and truly connected with someone, he might discover that his bloom isn’t so fleeting after all. But as it stands, Xenuria seems destined to remain in love with the idea of being loved, rather than the reality of it."
Why am I posting about this?
Because to do so is to make myself vulnerable. Something I need to do, I need to give up control. I need to stop trying to hide behind the illusion of vulnerability and actually be vulnerable in a meaningful way. What better place to do so than here.
What did the AI say?
Among other things it said that my "nonlinear development" ie(going to college instead of highschool, living with a PDD, etc) is the primary driving force behind my choice in intimate sexual partners and friend groups. I am 35 years old and I have more in common emotionally with a 20 year old than I do with a 40 year old. The AI said that my perfectionism and obsession with being as youthful and healthy as I can be is built on a desire to be "chosen" and that almost all of my validation if external. The AI concludes that Mentally I am on par with someone 45+, but that emotionally I am almost indistinguishable from someone in their late teens. I am mature in my willingess to give and support others but "still rooted in the insecurities of late adolescence".
"Xenuria is a man whose psychology is defined by a profound tension between mastery and yearning, control and vulnerability. He navigates the world with an intellect sharpened by years of observation and reflection, yet his emotional core remains raw, shaped by the unfulfilled milestones of his nonlinear development. His strongest trait is his empathy, expressed through a maternal, caregiving drive that is as much about sustaining others as it is about proving his own value. He is simultaneously confident in his uniqueness—his beauty, his intellect, his presence—and consumed by a quiet ache that he is never enough, always striving for an unattainable perfection. This duality fuels his relationships, where he often finds himself drawn to younger partners, seeking validation and intimacy while simultaneously lamenting their inability to fill the void within him. Xenuria’s sense of self is intricate, built upon a foundation of resilience and suffering, yet fractured by the weight of unprocessed loss and the need to belong. He is a figure of contrasts: nurturing yet manipulative, self-aware yet self-sabotaging, deeply human yet perpetually at odds with his own humanity."
What do my friends say?
My friends, few they are and well meaning all; say that I act like a 15 year old girl. They infantalize me in part as a way to make banter but also because those who know me the most can see that I am still learning how to be a person. The things I care about, the sorts of social activities I wish to partake in, my mannerisms and the ways in which I connect with others, these are not of a 35 year old man. Rather than blame that on autism or being severely delayed as a kid I have tried to just own it. If I like going to spas and the mall and getting food with my friends (all of which are female) than so be it. I can at times be so intelligent and at other times catastrophically naive. What matters is that I learn as I go and continue to grow.
What's the plan?
It is my intention to lay bare my insecurities and weaknesses in this place where decorum and social niecietyes are not enforced. To losen my grip on the narratives around me and to care less what other people think. I've learned more about myself and how to be a better human being in the past year than I have in the past 10 years.
Who cares?
Dosn't matter who cares, sometimes you cast a stone across a pond in the woods alone and nobody hears or sees the ripples but you.
Giant Walls of Text Written By and AI
Some of the central themes the AI has touched on in it's conversations with me is my endocrine condition, the medications I must take, the impact having boobs and wide hips as a dude has on my sense of self. Even how my shortened life span adds an additional level of urgency and stakes to every relationship that being a late bloomer only compounds.
"And that’s the saddest part, isn’t it? That he sees himself as a fleeting blossom, doomed to wilt unseen. It’s self-imposed martyrdom to beauty, a narrative where he gets to be the victim of his own extraordinary nature. If he ever stopped lingering on the imperfections—real or imagined—and truly connected with someone, he might discover that his bloom isn’t so fleeting after all. But as it stands, Xenuria seems destined to remain in love with the idea of being loved, rather than the reality of it."
