Post nonsense tales you heard

Sir Lutra Paprikash Delic

Sir Lutra Paprikash Delic

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This one's from my childhood about a king randomly trolling a judge and getting owned by the judge's daughter.
King Matthias and the Clever Daughter of the Judge

Once upon a time, while King Matthias was traveling the country in disguise, he entered a village where he read the following inscription on the judge's gate:

"Here lives the judge of this and that village, who lives without any sorrow or care."

Matthias gave a little whistle:
"Ah, this judge must have it quite easy, living without any sorrow. If that is his only problem, I shall give him a little something to worry about."

Upon returning to Buda, he immediately ordered one of his servants to mount a horse and gallop to the judge. He was to deliver a ceramic pitcher full of holes with the command that the judge must patch it up, otherwise, he would be beheaded.

The servant delivered the pitcher and the King’s message. Suddenly, the judge fell into a great sorrow; for three days, he could neither eat nor drink. The judge had a beautiful daughter of marriageable age, who kept asking him:
"Father, what is the matter? You are usually so cheerful, and now you won't even eat from grief."

"Why should I tell you, my daughter? You cannot help me anyway."

"That is not certain, Father. If I can, I will help; if not, at least share your sorrow with me."

"Look here, daughter. The King sent me this pitcher to patch up, otherwise, he will have me beheaded."

"Haha! Father, is this what you are grieving over? Send it back to him and say that His Majesty must first turn the pitcher inside out, for a patch is always placed on the reverse side of things."

"My word, daughter, you have a sharp wit!"

The judge did exactly as his daughter advised, and the King accepted the message.
"Well, I must frighten this judge after all!" thought the King.

He summoned his servant again and sent a millstone down to the judge with the order that he must skin it, otherwise, he would be hanged.

At this, the judge fell into great sorrow once more. For three days, not a word could be heard from him, until finally, after much pleading, he spoke to his daughter.
"Father, tell me what is wrong, do not consume yourself."

"Alas, daughter, this time you truly cannot help me."

"Perhaps I can, Father."

"The King has charged me to skin this millstone I have leaned against the house."

"Oh, Father, you are grieving over this? Just send it back and say he must first let its blood drain, for animals can only be skinned after that."

The judge rejoiced: "Very well, my daughter, I shall try it."

And so it was; the King could say nothing in response to the message.

The King eventually figured out the trick and decided to teach the judge’s daughter a lesson. He sent for his servant:
"My dear servant, go to this and that village and tell the judge’s daughter to visit me. But she must come neither on horseback nor on foot, neither by carriage nor on the road, nor beside the road. She must come dressed, yet naked, and she must bring me a gift, yet not a gift—otherwise, I shall have her beheaded."

The girl received the message, but she didn't even bat an eye. She stripped off all her clothes, leaving only her bra. She caught a pigeon and placed it between two sieves. She led out their only male goat, placed her right leg on the goat's back, and traveled along the roadside ditch until she arrived in Buda before the majestic King.

As she approached the palace, they signaled to the King that they saw some wonder on the road that would soon be at the palace. The King waited for her at the gate.

"My majestic King, I have come as you commanded. I did not come on foot, nor on horseback, nor by carriage, nor on the road, nor beside it. I am naked, yet something remains on me. And here is your gift."

With that, she lifted the sieve, and the pigeon flew away.
"The gift has flown, Your Majesty; therefore, I brought one, yet I did not."

"Very well, my dear daughter, you did very well," the King said. "But you should have covered your 'shameful parts' rather than your breasts."

"That I cannot do, King-Father," she replied, "for my 'shameful parts' were created by God, but my breasts I grew myself."
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ZZZandeRRR said:
the govt has your best interest in mind

the end
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Folk tales? Alright, here's one about binary choices

Tamni vilajet (The dark province)

Once upon a time, an emperor traveled the world with his entourage, when they found themselves in front of the dark province, a place of darkness so impenetrable, that the light of torches was useless. As they moved forward, the only thing they could say with certainty, is that the ground they walked upon was covered with pebbles. Suddenly, a booming voice echoed through the dark:
"those who reach down and pick up the pebbles off the ground, will regret it;
those that don't, will likewise regret it".
Some didn't pick up anything, others thought to themselves "well, can't hurt if I take one atleast?". Eventually, they found their way out of the darkness, and the prophecy came true: the pebbles were gems, and those who took none regreted it, and the others regreted not taking more.
 
Article 1
All human beings are born free and equal in dignity and rights. They are endowed with reason and conscience and should act towards one another in a spirit of brotherhood.

Article 2
Everyone is entitled to all the rights and freedoms set forth in this Declaration, without distinction of any kind, such as race, colour, sex, language, religion, political or other opinion, national or social origin, property, birth or other status.

Furthermore, no distinction shall be made on the basis of the political, jurisdictional or international status of the country or territory to which a person belongs, whether it be independent, trust, non-self-governing or under any other limitation of sovereignty.


Article 3
Everyone has the right to life, liberty and the security of person.
 
Tech Noir said:
Folk tales? Alright, here's one about binary choices

Tamni vilajet (The dark province)

Once upon a time, an emperor traveled the world with his entourage, when they found themselves in front of the dark province, a place of darkness so impenetrable, that the light of torches was useless. As they moved forward, the only thing they could say with certainty, is that the ground they walked upon was covered with pebbles. Suddenly, a booming voice echoed through the dark:
"those who reach down and pick up the pebbles off the ground, will regret it;
those that don't, will likewise regret it".
Some didn't pick up anything, others thought to themselves "well, can't hurt if I take one atleast?". Eventually, they found their way out of the darkness, and the prophecy came true: the pebbles were gems, and those who took none regreted it, and the others regreted not taking more.
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I recognize this one. Its the Romanian tale of the Psoglav.
 
Когда телефон звонит в 3 ночи — это значит, что кто-то умер, а если и не умер, то очень жаль. Звонит брат, рыдает слезами: "У меня яблочко в пизде застряло! Я так не могу больше, приезжай пожалуйста!" и трубку вешает. Отлично, думаю. Сколько мы с тобой в доктора играли и пися была мужская и вот это что теперь и о чем? Но я срываюсь и еду. Встречает меня наглухо обсаженный подросток, даже не знаю под чем. Тема следующая. Родители уехали на дачу и он ебал одноклассницу. Яблочком. Юный мичуринец, вы ж посмотрите! Маленьким яблочком на веточке. Веточка, понятное дело, оторвалась и яблочко осталось внутри девки. Сначала им было смешно, а потом они поняли, что яблоко достать без вариантов. Девка ни в школу ни домой в таком виде идти не хочет, у всех истерика. Выгнать мелкую похотливую дрянь пинком под сраку без вариантов — у неё папа какой-то местный авторитет.
Ну, говорю, поздравляю тебя, братан. Женись теперь на ней, она тебе банку компота родит. А почему ты ей кедровую шишку в жопу не засунул и лампочку в рот? Что тебе мешало? Вызвал бы 911 и телевиденье, нормально было бы.
И тут из ванной выходит эта утка фаршированная яблоками. В клетчатой юбочке, белой рубашечке, в синем бархатном пиджачке и белых гольфах, с двумя белыми косичками... неземной красоты ребёнок, ангел просто, только с яблоком в гениталии, с запретным, блядь, плодом. Берёт меня за руку и на ухо "надо поговорить, я при нём стесняюсь". Не ну нормально ваще? Трахаться при помощи яблока она не стесняется, а говорить об этом стесняется. На кухне она залезает на стол и раздвигает свои худые ножки. И с жалостным личиком такая возлежит. Не, ну я медик и мать, но ёб твою мать! Ну что это и зачем ты такая тупая и наглая?! И на лобке татуировка, 15 лет человеку. — "Я так себя плохо чувствую! Мне кажется оно провалилось в желудок!" — " Бляяяя!!! Оно не в желудке, дурочка. Оно в мозг уже провалилось, будем лоботомию делать, череп твой красивый вскрывать, я тут бессильна, надо врачу звонить!". 5 утра.
Звоню дяде Ване, патологоанатому со смешной фамилией Рабинович, излагаю суть проблемы. Приезжает Рабинович с огромным чемоданом. Дети в ахуе и панике. Говорит "Чистую простынь, кипятка, спиртного". Тут обосралась даже я. Раскладывает девку на столе, берёт обычный штопор, волосатой огромной ручищей нажимает ей чуть выше лобка, осторожно поворачивает там штопор и ЧПОК!!! Злополучный фрукт украшает штопор. — "Ебаться подано, господа!" — орёт диким голосом Рабинович, всаживает стакан коньяка и закусывает яблоком. Тем самым. Вытирает руки кухонным полотенцем, забирает коньяк и уезжает.
Все счастливы, счастливы!
 
  • Zeroth Law (Thermal Equilibrium): If two systems are each in thermal equilibrium with a third system, they are in equilibrium with each other, defining temperature.
  • First Law (Conservation of Energy): Energy cannot be created or destroyed, only transferred or transformed. The change in a system's internal energy equals heat added minus work done by the system (^U=Q-W)
  • Second Law (Entropy): The total entropy (disorder) of an isolated system always increases over time, meaning energy transfers are not 100% efficient and heat does not spontaneously flow from cold to hot.
  • Third Law (Absolute Zero): As a system approaches absolute zero (0 Kelvin), the entropy of a perfect crystal approaches zero. This indicates that absolute zero cannot be reached in a finite number of steps
 

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Crassmeister said:
go ahead, and remember the sexual perversions
coprophagy is always nice
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Sorry, nothing like that. Anyway, tribes are made up of brotherhoods, families that got so big other families were formed out of them (English equivalent is 'clan', I think). There was this brotherhood called Bukumiri, that lived in a village near a lake inhabited by the elves. Now, when I say 'elves', it's a placeholder, the legend uses the term "creatures", and implies some were humanoid, and the name/title of one of them ("Thinker under Kariman"). So, the "Elves" had a habit of dragging off people and the cattle into the lake, and drowning them. Were they territorial or just pricks isn't clarified, but either way the Bukumiri got tired of their aggressive neighbors. They rolled a huge boulder on a cliff above the lake, and set fire under it for 3 days and nights, until it was red hot. And then they pushed it into the lake. As the Bukumiri watched the water boil, a man on a white horse rose out of a lake, and hovered above the surface. "What have you done, all of us you exterminated, may you exterminate each other the same way!". And with that he sunked, and the Bukumiri went back to their village to celebrate their victory. And then, no one knows how or why, did someone accidentally shot someone's dog, or an insult was said that couldn't be taken back, but the killing started. And the celebration turned into a blood feud that didn't spare not even the babies in the cribs, and not one single Bukumir survived, the only trace of them left, the lake that still bears their name.
 
Here's a legit one: the Dark Watchers of the California coast


I used to see these fuckers all the time at night... like, when I would drive home at night I would see them inbetween cars thinking they were someone wanting to walk across the street so I'd stop for them... only for there to be nothing. And since moving from the SF Peninsula to Sacramento, I haven’t seen them. SPOOPY
 
Ooh, we doing scary stories?


I'm now remembering that this show was pretty dark for a kids show sometimes. No true horror, just left it to your imagination. But, a show where the protagonists either lose outright or becomes the villain and no lessons are learned?
 
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